De-mirtazapin-ize me please!

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A lot has come together for me in the past couple of weeks, which culminated in me deciding to make a dr’s appointment for this afternoon to get advice on how to go about tapering off my dose of anti-depressants – currently I’m on 30mg mirtazapine per day.

I didn’t really come up with a good pros/cons list of staying on or going off the medication, but in the end I’m starting to realise how tired I am doing day to day things, to the point that I haven’t really done much at all. I hadn’t really noticed how I’ve been acting or feeling recently, as I thought I was doing fine, but my (dearest) mother keeps on at me for not being more active or enthused or getting out and about. To which all I can say is that I’d love to be active/enthused/out and about, if only I didn’t keep feeling like I could do with another nap or a bit more sleep.

I’ve tried going for runs, but they only make me spend the rest of the day exhausted, I’ve tried eating more to get more energy, but I’m at the point of just putting on more weight, and I’ve tried getting more sleep, but I’m already getting plenty, and the need for sleep keeps eating into and destroying plans for doing other things like meeting up with friends in the evening or going out to photograph sunrise.

The other thing my mother keeps trying to tell me is how I ‘don’t seem happy’. Again, all I can say is that I’m doing my best to ‘seem happy’, but pretending to be happy is really starting to get exhausting, and being properly happy, without the inverted commas, is equally exhausting, and too hard not to be cross when no one can understand me because I’m slurring my words because I’m so tired, and too hard not to be upset at what I’m missing out on with friends when I’m just too tired to make plans, let alone think about actually get myself to town and back again, or being decent company.

I don’t think I’m depressed anymore, not in the depressed way of not being able to bring myself to do anything, or not feeling anything is worth moving for. Rather, it is a pure and simple problem of not doing things because I don’t have the energy. Basically I know I just need to get a grip. Which I feel like I could do if only I wasn’t so tired…and round and round in circles I go, making myself upset as I don’t have the energy to fight the tears either.

I’m not blaming the medication entirely on my tired state, but given that one of its headlining actions is to help insomnia, the mirtazapine is almost certainly not helping me stay alert and energized through the day. While the medication almost certainly helped me through April and May, and the side effects were worth putting up with, now the side effects are outstaying their welcome. I’m imagining myself as a hot air balloon, and while the mirtazapine was a useful safety tether while sorting my supplies and gear out, now I need to cut the anchor and lines so I can rise up and float away.

So I’m now cutting my pills in half, down to 15mg/day, for the next two weeks, and then I’ll take half (15mg/day) every other day for the following two weeks. I  hope I’m ok with that. I think I should be. Through the day today, after I decided on my plan and felt like I was taking decisions into my own hands, I felt excited and lighter in my step, and for the first time in the longest that  I can remember, I felt a slight crackle of electricity coursing through my veins. I’d completely forgotten that feeling, but I like it and am glad to have it back.


Final session

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I had my final session with Celine this afternoon. I’m sorry that they’re coming to an end. I’ve felt like I’ve been making progress. This is a good feeling in itself. But the last couple of sessions have felt rushed, like I was jumping ahead of myself, simply because we were trying to fit too much in. I’ve had 10 sessions (actually 11, as one afternoon she gave me two slots), and she never made me feel like I was ‘using’ up my allotted time. She always told me that she would be there for as long as I needed. I’m grateful for that reassurance. Though I’m not sure how long she could have realistically been allowed to keep that up. Or else she always knew that I would be leaving my university town before she was forced to stop the sessions, so was safe in pretending to reassure me they were limitless.

Anyway, one way or another, yesterday was my last session and today I’m leaving the town altogether. As usual at the beginning made a list of what to do in the session:

  • First: do ‘blue print’ stuff – the thing for me to take away from the therapy in a neat, condensed form,
  • then: ask about how to stop getting upset when I’m on the verge of becoming upset (going through my printer woe from earlier in the week. Not the only recent wobble, but one I’d written about already and seemed like a nicely contained, typically trivial example),
  • lastly: go over the positives of the previous week

The blue printing stuff was fine. Fairly formulaic and obviously just something they want everyone to fill out during the final session. Sleep kept coming up. Isn’t there a saying about sledgehammers and overkill…did it really take 10/11 sessions with Celine, plus how ever many with SG before, to find that my problems could be solved as easily as just  forcing myself to get 8 hours sleep each night? I don’t think that sleep itself isn’t the cause, symptom or problem, but I do agree it is a barrier to dealing with things.  Anyway I wrote down that my “message in a bottle” for my future self is “Don’t lose heart, don’t lose sleep, put fun in wherever I can” – what I made as a key ring fob a while back.

How to not get upset…I recounted what had happened earlier, and filled in one of those hot-cross bun thingies: Thoughts/emotions/Behaviours/Physical reaction. I had sort of hoped she would have an easy solution to how to rethink the situation in a less upsetting way at the time, before I reached the point of public tears (ie how to do the 5 step ABTBP of Living Life to the Full module 3). I said that I could come up with other ways of thinking about the problem afterwards, in theory, but in reality that hadn’t helped me at the time. Interestingly she agreed that when you’re up against a deadline and realising you’re wasting time/money/opportunitity for advice, it’s only natural to be upset. So maybe this counts as a ‘real problem’, rather than a ‘bad thought’? or else just that she recognised it would be really hard for me, once on the verge of tears, to do the mental gymnastics to make myself feel better.

Instead she suggested I should try to approach what I do differently, to avoid problems altogether – like being more organised and realistic in the first place, and have a contingency plan for when things don’t go right, eg in this case maybe it was unreasonable to have expected myself to be ready for a Monday tutorial anyway, if I were to fit a bit of fun and sleep in as well, which hopefully no one would argue with. Or I could have made sure I had enough credit on my printing card or have left enough time to be able to find an ATM to get cash out to top it up.

Well we could all wish to live in an ideal world.

At this point she then pulled me up on how, “when you walked into the room today, you listed what you thought we could get through in the session, and I knew that was most likely unrealistic, and so warned you we probably wouldn’t get to the third thing, of going through your previous week’s activities”. Oh hum, I guess I should have warned her that I’d already Dx myself with “Over-optimism that invariably leads to a crashing low mood“. But I guess it does also match up to the post I wrote about brick walls – I tend to under estimate time and only give myself enough time to bash the walls down, which will always hurt and end in tears, rather than be realistic and give myself time to look at the problem and find the path of least resistance. On the plus side, hopefully recognising all that now is a step away from Einstein’s definition of insanity: “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I also think those low moods are less deep than they were a few months ago, and hopefully that is directly linked to improving my sleep, and therefore sustainable, rather than pure chance.

I’ll write a more coherent summary of my thoughts and what I’ve learnt from my sessions with Celine when I’ve had a bit more time to reflect. In the meantime, maybe I do just need to try harder to be a more normal person to avoid problems, and then just accept I will be upset when I come up against some, so that hopefully I don’t waste more time being frustrated with myself for being upset!

Oh, we did have time to go through what I’d done the previous week. So maybe my problem isn’t over-optimism after-all! I didn’t bother to tell her though that her negativity just reminded me of typical hurricane forecasts: they’ll always predict the hurricane’ll hit, just so that on the off chance it does, they’re covered, and for all the rest of the time no one will complain that a hurricane doesn’t hit!

Plans and more plans

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My session with Celine last week ended up with the homework to write a six month and a year plan, as well as to record how I got on with meeting those plans and following my new rule, ‘try hard where reasonable to reach and keep my high standards in career and personal life goals, and to enjoy doing it’.

The first part of my session this Thursday (already #9) was going over what I had done this past week: I’d met up with friends for drinks, gone to a food festival, watched a film, did laundry like a normal person, visited a landscape architect’s office with friends, and finished my final piece of uni work. My general feeling for the week was that on paper it looked like I’d had a pretty good time, Celine even wrote a great big ‘GREAT!’ across my notes. Except that in reality, finishing that final piece of uni work had totally exhausted me, so all I could think about was being frustrated with myself for having taken such a long time over it all – which frustrated me further as  I knew I should be feeling relieved and happy I’d managed to fit in a balance of ‘normal people’ things too, but I was too tired to appreciate all that! I just hope that it was just tiredness that stopped me properly enjoying everything, because if not then I don’t know what to do. I think I will have to keep going through the motions of doing other things, so that when I have the energy to properly enjoy them again, I will be doing them anyway and able to enjoy them. Or just fake it til you feel it???

The second part was to go over my plans. I’ve already mentioned how I’m not totally convinced that I’ve moved on from tripping over immediate problems and am ready to put all my effort into making grand plans. But I thought I would have a go with it. I ended up with three versions of a six month plan, all of which involve getting back involved with the activities I always used to do, but differ on what the main thing I’m doing, or location. The year plan is to make sure that what I’ve started finding out about during the first six months are in action:

Plan A – based on applying for jobs, getting a job and setting up ‘home’ in the UK – making new friends and reconnecting with old ones from my boarding school, undergrad and post grad universities.

Plan B – getting a job back at home, probably meaning I’d need to move back in with my parents. On the one hand that feels like I’m moving backwards. Though it has the obvious financial advantages, and I already know a lot of the people involved in the activities and groups I’d like to get back into, and some of my friends are still there, so that whole side of things is less of an unknown and not so scary.

Plan C – if a job doesn’t materialise either at home or in the UK, I’d fall back on my original original plan from a few years ago, to continue with my postgrad course and write my Master’s dissertation. That wouldn’t be bad in itself, but I’m nervous I’m not up to it. Hopefully I would find that that is just an irrationale fear. And then go back to plan A or B and find a job. If plan C went according to plan, and possibly as a part time student and an unscary job-  I could have more free time to spend travelling, ideally volunteering or working along the way, to help keep costs down.

I was fairly happy with these plans.  Any of them have their positives and negatives, and hopefully cover any eventuality in the big things – whether I can get a job fairly easily, whether I continue with my postgrad or not, what country I end up in – so won’t feel like I’ve fallen off and failed at my plans. Also hoped that, by leaving my list of things I would like to get back into as broad and not fixed, will give me ideas when I’m feeling braindead but not be so stringent that if I don’t feel like doing them all, it won’t be another fail. I expected that Celine would point out that the point of the list was to get me to do things, and not to give the possibility of not getting around to doing things and being sucked  into a new job or dissertation to the detriment of everything else, which has been a big problem for me while doing the PGDip uni course. I tried pointing out that I didn’t want to just set myself a load more deadlines that would put pressure on me, which as the past couple of years have shown I’m not good at, so she left it at that. I do honestly want to get back to doing the things I used to do, so I hope that will be enough to get me going again and keep doing them.

The last part of the session was the most useful part. I guess from what I said through in the first two parts of the session, it was clear I’m still getting caught up on the day to day things. I told her how each week after seeing her, I feel quite upbeat (I won’t complain about that!) and every time I feel like this will be the week I will stop crying over silly things. Except that so far at least something every week, often tiny, has worked me up and tipped me over. It’s exhausing aside from the added worry that I’ll make an idiot of myself dissolving into tears at an unsuitable moment or place. Another common theme through everything I do, is that I hate wasting time, and I want everything to count. I presumed that both those things, not wanting to cry every week, and not wanting to waste time, are totally understandable ‘rules’ that most people would subscribe to. Celine thought that it was ‘worth looking at those more’, which translates to, ‘you weirdo, no wonder you’re unhappy’. Anyway, we wrote down the train of thought over a particular ‘trigger’ this week:

My computer not wanting to save the file properly that the printer would agree to read properly (fairly harmless in the grand scheme of things.)

>> felt frustrated with myself for being so slow when I realised that yet another day would go passed when I hadn’t finished my work. Although I knew that I had a university extension for the work, I had wanted to get the work done by Monday, so that the tutor would barely have realised  I gave it in after my earlier Friday deadline. Silly me. Ended in tears and me feeling like gouging out my eyeballs (thankfully not quite literally, but still making me realise I was reacting like an idiot. Cue more tears)

>> me thinking that everything I do wastes time and clearly I’m not doing things right: if I were, I would have finished this work over a month ago like all the rest of my friends.

>> clearly I’m an idiot and can’t cope with the work.

I guess it doesn’t help that all through this thread I’m realising I’m an idiot for reacting as I do and letting this spiral down and down. Even more so as it is crying over uni work…it’s only uni work! Except that I do spiral down and down which seems to confirm I am an idiot. The result is that I waste even more time being upset at not coping and being an idiot, which then makes me more upset for wasting time and being an idiot!! And round and round, down and down I go.

Celine suggested that I try to unwind the story and make it logical, so that I will stop spiraling down and wasting time, and can stop myself either at the first set of tears, or even preferably before. So:

My computer not wanting to save the file properly that the printer would agree to read properly

>> Think: it is the fault of the computer

>> I can come back and do it tomorrow, when someone else is around to help with computer geekery

>> Recognise that I’m not happy about it, that it’s upset me as I wanted to finish.

This thought process is meant to be better because it is logical/objective and therefore avoids the self-criticism spiral, while also being believable because it acknowledges that I’m unhappy and upset at not finishing. I thought the first parts sounded better than my original version, as it didn’t jump to me feeling so slow and were more problem solving orientated, but I didn’t see how the last bit would stop me from feeling badly about myself. Celine suggested that the emotion would more likely be anger and irritation at other things, rather than directed at myself. I’m not sure that’s a good thing either. I guess I hadn’t mentioned about the eye gouging or that I had already smashed my computer mouse at some point during the day. I wouldn’t like to see what I could manage in pure anger and irritation.

Anyway, as I said already, and said at the time, I thought that little exercise was the most useful part of the session. I slightly question it now, but I guess I do want to try putting it into action, and that is part of my plans of the week: When I feel that something might tip me over, to stop and try to work out a a more logical thought that is less likely to make myself frustrated with myself. If I can get through this week without tears, it will be worth it, so I’m willing to try. Just need to remember to cotton wool myself and everything else if the anger and irritation takes hold 😉

When I thanked her for going through that thread with me, she admitted that something had ‘clicked’ with her when I described feeling that I shouldn’t cry so easily, but that such little things seem to tip me over. She told me that if it were her being up against a deadline and then having the computer do irritating things, she would have been in tears too. Then she described how last week during Supervision, she had a migraine and had had a tough week, and something her boss said just tipped her into tears. She was so angry with herself for breaking down over ‘only work’. I expect she was making those stories up to make me not beat myself up so much for letting things get me me, but I couldn’t help having a slight feeling of the blind leading the blind…

Where has this week gone?

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Not sure really what has happened since last week. I’ve been feeling a bit all over the place and not getting anywhere with anything.

After last week’s day of self-sabotage, I saw Enise. I’d had been stuck the previous week and had emailed her, but she only phone me back last week. By then I had had the second slip, so she said I could go over and see her. In fact as my tutors were the ones to tell me I needed to let up on myself and take an extension, I didn’t need a medical note again. But Enise was useful for generally letting me know my various options for support over the summer when I will be away from uni and this town, and what to do about signing on to another GP practice, or rejoining my existing one as a normal person (students are another species or in a parallel universe it seems). I guess that puts my mind a bit at ease, though that has never been one of my worries (thankfully), I just figured things woud sort themselves out over the next few months.

Basically support options over the next few months boils down to a cCBT course (called I haven’t had a chance to look at it yet. Not really convinced by it. It all seems like too much ‘all good in theory, but in reality…’, which was how I found the guided self help I was initially offered by the IAPT service), and some more Books on Prescription. I pointed out that I’d looked at quite a few and hadn’t really ever identified with the case studies, so hadn’t found them very useful. She told me about a series called ‘Introducing…’ which as more like workbooks that just stories,  so  I would make them my own, rather than reading about other people (I sound so selfish…), but then that comes back to the same ‘all good in theory…’ again (I must be sounding so dismal). I might give them a try, and they’re not very expensive (£2.65, free shipping) though I can think of a lot of other things I’d rather spend my pennies on!

Enise did say she’d push to make sure I got as many more sessions as I could with Celine while I’m still in the university town. I’m happy for that as that is the one thing I have found useful, except that most of the sessions have been either just focusing on the deadlines I was pressed up against, or just skimming the surface of  deeper issues and helping ‘solve’ them on a theoretical level. The things I’ve come up with so far (such as the previous worksheets I’ve mentioned) have all been good and hunky dory, but have not really helped (at all) on my day to day moods, deadlines and slumps I keep having.

I saw Celine again last Thursday, session 8 by now. She was pleased with the stuff I’d come up on with on my last worksheet, of identifying the goods and bads of my ‘rule’ and how I could change it so it would be useful to me. The result of the session was a reworked ‘rule’, and homework to come up with a six month plan and a year’s plan and goals. On the one hand I know that as these sessions have to come to an end, more because of me moving away than having used up an ‘alloted’ amount of time, so it is good we’re looking twoars the future, I’m also scared that with still having so many little difficulties every day, that I’m running before I’m crawling by just focussing on the big stuff. I’m reminded of the saying, ‘look after your pennies, and the pounds will look after themselves’. If I could manage all the little things better, and not keep tripping up on them, then maybe everything would work out ok anyway. There is the danger there (which Celine has also said), that it will just keep going as I am like that, and always be about to trip, or spend my time avoiding trip ups, whereas really I need move on to a whole different plane to avoid those trip-ups altogether. But at the same time keeping on tripping up while just thinking loftily about bigger stuff isn’t helping me on a day to day level. I think I’ve just said the same thing about five different times. That’s how I feel about everything. Just the same things going round and round all the time. Saying things in different ways but nothing ever developing or changing.

I think I did start out with a point of this blog post in mind, but I can’t remember it anymore. I’ll think of it again. Anyway I guess this is just a summary of who I’ve seen, what they’ve recommended, and me just going round and round in circles with the same boring thoughts.

‘Rules of Living’

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Another session with Celine and another worksheet. At the top it says, “Your therapist will have helped you uncover a rule which may be causing you problems. This worksheet is designed to help you rethink a rule and make it more useful for yourself”. I’m not really sure that my whole life can be turned around on the basis of a single worksheet, but I’m keen for anything to help, so I’m going to work through it.

Like before, Celine went through the questions with me briefly, with my answers based on the worksheet from the last session. This week I’ll have to go back through it properly to make it relate more to me. I have my final university deadline just after the next session, on Friday, so not sure how I will get on with it this week.

The first line is: “The rule of living I need to rethink is…”

 I must push myself to try ever harder to reach my high standards, to the exclusion of everything else.

I needed to add in the final bit, as I think for most people who do well, the probably have to push themselves. I’m not imagining that in my ideal world I no one needs to try hard. But I definitely fall down on the ‘exclusion’ bit, as that is what then makes me resent the work, feel guilty when I do do something that is meant to be fun and generally feel in a low mood.

The one line: “Typical situations in which I find myself using this rule”

At the moment this is quite simple for me (I’m grateful that at least my problems are straightforward): University work

“The kinds of things I do because of it”

Work extra hard

Don’t sleep regularly

Forget meals

Don’t do other things like fun

Don’t enjoy the fun things that I do do

“How many other people do I know who seem to have this same rule?”

None. As I said before, everyone else seems to be perfect at whatever they try. They may work really hard, but they don’t get upset doing that. Or else they don’t work as hard, but at least they are doing plenty of other things instead.

“How many other poeple do I know who DON’T seem to share this rule?”

Everyone else

“With people who don’t share my rule, what happens?

They mostly achieve what they want, and have fun

It looks like she added another list to the worksheet: “What happens when I follow my rule?”

Relationships get lost as I’m not around (this one came about because she was shocked when I mentioned that I hadn’t noticed my housemate leaving (took a couple of weeks to realise), and haven’t seen the other for a month or two. As I’m in the studio mostly and just come home to sleep and shower, it didn’t surprise me. Maybe I am weird.

Most of the other ‘kinds of things I do because of it’ could be inserted here too.

When I get a chance to work on the worksheet again, I’ll have the fun of “Rethinking & Challenging the Old Rule“.

Vulnerability, Core Beliefs, Rules…

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Another sessions with Celine (NHS CBT Lady who comes to my uni) on Thursday. This was a useful one, involving a worksheet (third para down).

Earlier this week (Three Options post) I finally felt like something had clicked: rather than mope about not knowing what to do or where to begin, I tried going through my various options and the positives and negatives of them, and ended up with a particular route that I would try to stick to. That is much better than I have been before, where everything in my mind gets too tangled and I worry about wasting time, only to waste more time worrying! So that is good.

So this week Celine suggested we tackle how I can stop getting wound up every time I get a little bit stuck – which is a major problem for me and has been since I was at least 10, 11 or 12 years old (when it first dawned on me that the world might not be perfect). Something about realising that every time I’ve got a bit stuck, I’ve ended up feeling totally stuck and crawling to the dr’s for some happy pills (am hating that term more and more as they don’t even make me happy, just a little bit better for coping), it’s made me even more depressed thinking that I might be stuck in the circle for ever more, unless I do something radically different. Til now I haven’t been able to figure out what that is, and has made me feel stuck and set me off on another stuckiness rampage (do you see the circles forming?).

Celine had a worksheet for me. She’d clearly just printed it off the internet (complete with the source address. Ha she wasn’t even plagarising!) We looked at the first few sections and agreed that the headings don’t really apply directly to me. But never mind. I can get over that. We didn’t have time to go through it very thoroughly, so my homework for the next fortnight is to think about it and fill it in.

The first section was “What made me vulnerable in the first place”. Although I know that being an only child has affected me in all sorts of ways, I’m not really sure I’d say I’m ‘vulnerable’ because of it. Am I even ‘vulnerable’? Celine suggested I tackle that question just by thinking about what has shaped me and my ideas from an early age… with leads to the next section:

“Core Beliefs – about myself, others, and the world: I am…; Others area…; The world is…”. At a surface level, those are fairly easy: about myself, I like to think that ‘I am Likable’, ‘Others are Perfect’, and ‘The world is Good’. These simple statements quickly became more complicated when I thought about the next section, so I will look at them again more closely later.

The next section was “Rules I live by…” and divided into “Helpful” and “Unhelpful” columns. This is where everything seemed to become more complicated. Where some rules start off as positive, but then I put an unhelpful twist to them. Others seem to conflict and show how my supposedly core beliefs are a lot more tangled, and that what I initially wrote down is what I would like them/the world/others to be, or how I imagine in a perfect world they would be. I’ve never thought about things like this before, and already I can see where having imaginary ideals that in that fantasy world everything and one lives up to them, causes me problems because then I can’t live up to them, and in reality nothing is as perfect as I would like.

The other sections are, “What triggered the problem”, “What helps me cope: helpful/unhelpful“, and “What maintains the problem now: thoughts –> emotions –> behaviours –> physical sensations –> etc” (hot cross bun thingy).

Anyway, there is a lot of meat in there, and I need to go though it more carefully if I am going to make use of my sessions with Celine. And as my nasty little vicious circle shows, I am rather desperate to break out of it, by any means possible! I haven’t got time (as always) to look at it all right now, but will try to think about each section in turn over the next two weeks.

Here are links to my entries for the rest of the worksheet: Early Things | Core Beliefs | Rules | Current Problem & Triggers | Coping & Maintenance

“Sleep is Brain Food!”

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A report on my fifth session with Celine:

Having (sort of) successfully put together some bits of work for my course’s End of Year Show, we went over what I had learnt as positives and negatives towards meeting deadlines.

While I agree putting the show up was a sort of deadline, it wasn’t like the rest of my deadlines, where I’m actually being marked. I may have hit on something there: things go badly when I’m worried about how my work will be judged. Unfortunately I’m not sure of a way around that problem, as it is a fact of university work: that the reason you do it is for the marks. It’s all very nice and well saying we do it for ourselves, but in reality, that isn’t really true, no matter how hard I pretend!

Anyway, these  are the things I came up with:


  • Have a realistic plan
  • Make a list of everything and monitor progress, review list daily and cut off unrealistic bits (no sure why that got underlined. That was my point: it was ok to cut bits off a show that isn’t being marked. Less so when it is being marked. I don’t want my effort to all go to waste just because I cut bits off that turn out to be crucial)
  • Don’t lose heart
  • Don’t lose sleep – aim for 7 or 8 hours
  • Put fun in whenever/wherever possible: resentment to work decreases, happiness increases, more upbeat, more able to cope with being tired, faster at work, more creative? (theoretically – I didn’t actually achieve doing that this past week. I’ve felt like everything has been a bore)
  • Keep things simple, logical, clear structure (I felt that would obviously work. But that is what I have such a hard time with when everything is in such a tangle in my mind and I’m tired!)

-ves/what doesn’t help:

  • Don’t be unrealistic (hard though when I look at my work and I think it is so unrealistic to think I can design an entire eco-town, and all the bumph that goes with it in less than two weeks!)
  • Too little sleep
  • Bad habits of working til early in am –> tired, tearful
  • No fun = resentful of work –> tired, slows me down –> dull work produced (that’s a bit harsh!)
  • Cramming everything in
  • Getting bogged down
Conclusion for session: “Sleep is Brain Food!”
There was something else interesting she said, which I don’t have written down. She said something about being resilient. I think that is something I should think about: How something can happen, and if you are happy/energetic, then it might push you a bit, but it doesn’t matter, you’ll bounce back up because you are resilient. But if I’m already tired, discouraged, bogged down, then the same thing can happen but it will tip me into tears, because my resilience is lower. It makes sense. One always thinks about resilience in terms of colds, so this is sort of similar and easy to picture. Now I just I wish I could be less tired, discouraged, bogged down!
Aim for this next week: do the +ve’s and don’t think about the ‘buts’ associated with it. Then see if I’m slightly less tired/discouraged/bogged down etc.

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