After more than three weeks of no internet, I haz it!

Well nearly no internet, I was able to snatch glimpses of my emails at work, but even during my lunch time or after work I felt awkward enough pulling up Gmail or BBC webpages, let alone Facebook or blogs.

I should be re-christened Bag Lady

I moved into my own little rented place the last weekend in January and finally everything feels set up and me more or less settled in.

It’s the first time I’ve ever lived on my own, previously I’ve either been at home with my parents or at university sharing with friends/others. Then the past few months I’ve been staying temporarily with my aunt and then her friend. While I’ve really appreciated being able to stay with them while settling into new jobs, I’m pleased to feel a bit more permanently in a place I’m renting myself, and, touch wood, seem to be coping with it too! It’s seriously helped me that the place is furnished  and nearly all the bills are included. All except for the internet, which has taken several weeks to sort out. I’m just glad it wasn’t the heating I was having to sort myself! I am so spoilt here with the heating, although so far I’ve only needed the heaters on at 2 or 3 (on a dial of 10). It makes such a difference coming home to a warm house. I can actually look forward to coming home, rather than putting it off to the last minute, dashing in under the covers, sleeping and leaving for uni again, which is what I had to do rather than the freezing hole of the place I was in the last two years. I always said ‘it was so cold I could see my breath inside’, but in reality I could see my breath there even before it was properly cold! Student life was strange…

It’s been an odd, slightly topsy turvy three weeks without internet.

First I was excited at the prospect of a weekend liberated from the interwebs. Then reality hit and I the slight irony of needing the internet to get the internet, but not having internet to get the internet to get the internet! I did manage to access the BT Open Zone wifi signal, which tantalised me with a  page selling internet, but I could only catch a hazy signal while scrunched up in the corning of the living room (/hall/breakfast room/TV room/storage room/kitchen), and it was too cold to wander out into the street to get it stronger. In the end I enlisted the help of my parents out in the Atlantic to set broadband up for me back in England. It felt quite ridiculous having to go the longest route round for something supposedly as modern as the internet! I might have laughed if I wasn’t feeling sorry for my tech ineptitude when I was then given a date 25 days later in February for an engineer to come round, on a week day when I should be at work. So much for the high tech age!

That first week was quite hard, I missed not having my blog or Twitter as an outlet to say how I was feeling. Simple ‘how are you?’ questions from co-workers had me in tears as I knew I couldn’t say how I felt (lost, loser, incapable, idiot etc the usual stuff). They didn’t comment on me dashing out of the room frequently, either they didn’t know what to say, or maybe they just think I have a very small bladder! Actually most likely they didn’t notice and didn’t give it a second thought. In reality I probably wouldn’t have gone onto Twitter or written anything, but the option would have been there. There wasn’t even the possibility of bottling up til I got home to tell someone, as I didn’t have a way to tell anyone at home! Perhaps it was that feeling more than the lack of internet that was bothering me, but at least internet would have been a compromise.

The next week I spent some of it working in the London office, helping out with deadlines there. While I was sorry I didn’t get a chance to meet up with friends there, it also meant there wasn’t time to miss not having the internet, or even give much thought to my feelings! Then when I was back home, my lack of internet made a reasonably legitimate excuse for not trying to be sociable over the weekend, when what I really needed was to catch up on sleep and continue to ignore feelings.

By the third week, perhaps the ‘fake it til you feel it’ is finally starting to have some truth in it. After being upset that I didn’t have anywhere to say how I felt, I began to ignore how I felt. I wouldn’t normally be convinced that that would really mean that I feel ok, or that ignorance is a sustainable tack to take, but if I’ve been relatively calmer this last week than the first week, then maybe there is some truth to it. I like not being constantly on edge or having days of frequently having to dash out of the room.

And now I have internet! I can say admit how I feel, I don’t need to bottle it up! What’s better still is, after watching myself these past few weeks, I’m pleasantly surprised to find I can say I’m honestly fine (and not FINE either!). I’ve managed to cope with a fairly big deadline and a couple of smaller ones at work, fingers crossed I’ve got the standing order all set up for my rent, with a family team effort I have the internet, and I haven’t been sulking around at home too much by myself, or staying too late at work. Last night even I was out til after 11 with the running club and its AGM, and then tonight I was home by 6 and I’ve enjoyed relaxing, poking through the internet, catching up on blogs, news and shizz, I’ve got as far as the first week of February on my Google reader! Happily it sounds like lots of you have good news too, hope the rest of February is kind to all. xx