I never learnt latin, but my aunt suggests this should be my motto: “Tanta sum lassa“, “I’m so tired”.

She actually suggested this when I was about 13 years old. I guess I haven’t changed at all! Though today I would barely enunciate those three words, I was that tired.

I wish I didn’t say it so often, sometimes I feel like I must say it just to fill in a gap in conversation sometimes. In reality though, when I’m feeling awake enough to concentrate on what I’m saying or not saying, then I’m not tired, and don’t need to say it. It’s only when I’m tired that I find I’m saying what I feel without thinking, but then I really am tired!

I wish I felt more awake, more lively or sparky. So far this summer I’m really struggling to figure out how to be like that. I tried running, but that exhausted me. I tried sleeping more, but that just made me sleepier. I tried eating more but that didn’t help and made me (feel) fat. I’ve tried decreasing my mirtazapine dosage too, but so far am only noticing that I’m sneezing more. I tried pretending to be more awake, lively and sparky, but was just told I was acting like a five-year-old grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

I’ll still keep trying. I will always try. That is the one thing I’m half decent at.

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