I had planned to write a few blog posts following how I was getting on with the Living Life to the Full (LLTTF) cCBT modules this summer.

Except I haven’t.

I haven’t even looked at the website recently, and have just had to request another login password as I can’t remember mine anymore. Or at least the one I do remember apparently isn’t the right one.

I don’t blame myself for not following the course while I was sailing, as aside from the fact my mind would be somewhere totally else and my time filled with activity, internet access on the ship was via satellite and would have cost  €1.65 per kb!

But I have little excuse now that I am home, with freely available broadband and wi-fi.

I have wanted to look and listen to some of the modules, but my only excuse is that I simply don’t know how I can listen to them, with Dr Chris William’s distinctive Scottish accent, without raising eyebrows in my family. (I know I could use ear phones, but I have wonky ears that make them uncomfortable to use).

I suppose my main problem now is why am I worried about what my family think of me using a computer based therapy programme? I guess it is because it is just that- therapy. That’s the sort of thing that my dad’s sister is into. But not me, not my own parents’ daughter needing therapy. They know I got super stressed by uni this past year, and I’ve told my mother I take mirtapazine (to reassure her I was doing something about my moods, so she wouldn’t get too worried). I did vaguely mention that I was seeing someone at my university for advice about work. Though I think I probably conflated SG (NHS Stress Guy), Enise (University mental health advisor), Celine (CBT Lady), my dr, various nurses and uni tutors into the same person to avoid really revealing who or what help I was receiving.

Maybe I am just censoring myself. Maybe I should just be forward with my own family (if I can’t be open with them, who can I be open with?): I got super stressed, stressiness slipped into depression, I’ve been on anti-depressants which have helped take the edge off things, and I had been going to cognitive behavioural therapy (does putting in extra big words help soften the t???). Now I need to try to keep the momentum up with the cCBT stuff in order to help me learn better ways of dealing with things to help make sure I don’t fall back into the depths of depressions again. OK? Happy? Case closed.

In fact maybe that is what I should do. Or at least just listen to the LLTTF modules and be prepared with my explanation if questioned.

Except I know I most likely won’t.

Because I want to look/be normal.

(But to be confidently normal I probably should follow a bit more of them.)

[I just looked, and the next module is entitled, ‘The Things You Do That Mess You Up’! Maybe it would have some useful tips for this very dilemma. Except how can I watch it without raising suspisions? I’m heading round in circles…]