Since I’ve been home this past week, I’ve been letting myself back into normal*-ness gently (*uni life being a life unto its own, sailing where everyone is literally in the same boat. And that’s before any hint of stressiness is added in. Normal in this case meaning the general public, who in my mind are perfect. I’m not literally meaning that anyone who isn’t perfect or representative of the general population isn’t normal, in pc terms!).

A run down of my week so far:

  • Enjoyed a couple of slow mornings (despite early wake ups, thanks to jet lag). Arguably they are more enjoyable as I was actually awake to appreciate them! I’ve never really ‘got’ sleeping in – you aren’t actually conscious to know you’re doing it!
  • On the third morning, and then every other day, I’ve been for a run. This only amounts to two outings so far, but my alarm is set for 6.26am and I plan to keep it up – if I aimed for it to be more frequent, I know I wouldn’t manage it, so this is my attempt at making realistic plans. Even with the remnants of a tropical storm, Emily, passing by and sending out claps of thunder, I managed to keep to my plans, albeit slightly later in the day.
  • I’ve gone through my photos from my sailing trip and put them up on Facebook. It’s been fun seeing everyone else’s, as well as receiving comments and commenting back on them. It’s nice that even though we’re all back home and could forget about the time we spent at sea together, we haven’t yet.
  • I’ve done a couple hours of work for my parents’ business, nice manual labour type things.
  • This morning I was due for a dental hygienist visit. Even though my scooter was irritatingly cranky and wouldn’t do anything more than a splutter (which I suppose I should have expected as I haven’t used it since January).  Thankfully my mum phoned the office and they rescheduled my appointment for later this afternoon. I felt an idiot for not being able to start my bike, and even more of an idiot for not being able to call them myself, as in my mind it was daunting having to explain my silly excuse for not being at my appointment. On the upside I’ll have more opportunities to show myself I can make a seemingly difficult phone call, and an even higher upside is that when I did have my appointment, I was told my teeth are fine for another 6 months!
  • I began the mammoth task of clearing/cleaning my room. I bought a couple of underbed boxes yesterday, so I began sorting things. I have accumulated so much stuff, and the past few years I’ve always been so busy with university studying when ever I’ve been home that I haven’t tackled it recently. It’s looking worse than before, but once everything is put away in a better place and surfaced cleared and cleaned, I’m hoping I’ll feel a lot better about my room!
While tidying my room I came across a pack of notes that a friend of my aunt’s, who was (sadly she died recently of motor neuron disease)a Life Coach, had sent me several years ago. She’d sent them to help me when I was feeling down about trying to apply for scholarships for university. (I remember how I felt I was pouring myself and plans into each interview, only to be turned down. Of course it was because they had such a number of highly qualified applicants, so not necessarily a direct reflection on myself or that they simply didn’t like me, although it felt like that at the time). A number of pages she sent me where specifically about interview techniques  and public speaking tips, but I’d forgotten she’d also sent me sheets about self-esteem, assertiveness and confidence too. I think I found them all a bit condescending at the time, but now looking at them again, I’m finding them more useful – I guess I’m needing them now more than ever! I also found them reassuring.
What’s most reassuring about these sheets is that I know they were designed for normal people – people wanting to improve themselves personally or further their career, not people necessarily suffering mentally or needing psychological therapy, although bits were quite similar to some of the CBT stuff that Celine gave me. It has made me realise that actually a lot of people benefit from advice and aren’t as confident or as perfect as I imagine everyone else to be! I guess I had lost track of what was mental ill stress and depression, and what is normal. And I guess I am pleasantly surprised that quite a few of my difficulties about feeling bad about myself are actually normal feelings that anyone might go to a life coach for help with! She had even sent me a sheet specifically about how to make and receive good phonecalls. I would never have imagined normal people would have a second doubt about using a phone. I thought avoiding the phone that was one of my quirks and so I hated myself for that. Apparently it’s not so rare! I know I need to make more of an effort, and now I can’t hide behind being overstressed by it. I just need to be normal and learn good techniques, as anyone else would (possibly easier said than done).
One of my favourite bits of the papers was the saying, ‘Fail with Flair’. I will make that my mission the next time that is a possibility! (and won’t stress myself trying to avoid failure, which I guess is my default). Unfortunately I don’t think not starting my bike and thus missing an appointment counts as flair!
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