You know how when you have a pot of pasta or rice on the hob and it is simmering away nicely, but then the bubbles suddenly start to come faster and froth starts to rise over the brim? So then you shuffle back and forth to the hob unsure of what to do about it: do you pick up the pot? (but then you might burn your hand, especially if it’s just a metal handle, or else might jolt it and spill boiling water everywhere), or do you just turn off the hob? (but when its electric it won’t cool off quickly enough to save the froth from spilling everywhere anyway), or else spoon off the excess froth faster and faster as it bubbles up?

Well that is how my mind has been feeling recently. I’ve been trying to ride on the cushion of good feeling since my sailing escapades, but thoughts are beginning to simmer over and I think I’ll go for the spooning off the excess froth by writing a couple of blog posts. I’m writing this as a blog post partly I can’t say it out loud without getting upset, which I’d like to avoid! Also, as they are in response to some comments my family keep making, they’re probably not comments restricted to my family or me, and I don’t think I’ve been reacting to them strangely, so maybe someone else feels similarly?

This post is about the irritating comment I keep getting from my family: ‘I don’t know why you’re being so negative’.

If there is one way to make me feel negative, especially when otherwise I’m doing my utmost best to be calm and congenial, it’s suggesting I’m being negative/defeatist/irritable/generally in a being in a bad mood! I don’t think I’m strange in reacting that way, so I don’t know why my mother says it or what she thinks she will gain from saying it, or even simply what part of that comment does she think will make my mood improve?? Of course by the time she’s said it, I’m not in a fit state to question it without becoming properly negative/I’m probably already upset, and if I do contend it then I’m just proving I’m irritated anyway.

The second annoying thing about that comment (which I think is what my mother is really trying to get at when she says it), is the idea that I would actually choose to be negative! Does she think I enjoy, and chose to be upset, irritated, miserable? No, actually, I hate dissolving into tears when any little thing gets to me. I hate feeling that nothing I do is right. I hate not being able to easily laugh at things. I hate that sometimes I feel so riled inside that I scrape flesh from my arms. Contrary to popular belief it would seem, I honestly would like to be happy! I’d choose to be happy!

The other thing connected with those comments is how my family (and I imagine others may too, unfortunately) assume that because I’m not happy, or am apparently acting negatively, that I’m not trying hard, or at all, to be happy.  I’d like to say to them (without already being in tears) that I really am trying to be happy! *Newsflash* I really don’t enjoy not being happy. I genuinely think that anyone, who isn’t as full of sunshine as some lucky ones, probably feel the same way. I don’t think that anyone actively fights something that is meant to make them feel better. Except I know that I can feel like I’m putting all my energy into being happy, doing all the right things like eating properly, sleeping properly, exercising properly, going to appointments properly, but sometimes that isn’t enough to beat the depressed side of my mind. And that’s before the problems of foggy brains, issues of side effects and other demons that may be drowning out the positive thoughts come into play… then again we’d all be on cloud nine if these very real problems didn’t exist, and we were just making it up…

Anyway, this post has become too convoluted. Already I’m not scooping the froth off the pot quickly enough, but I think it’s helped in the short term, and so I will hit publish now.

Advertisements