Not sure really what has happened since last week. I’ve been feeling a bit all over the place and not getting anywhere with anything.

After last week’s day of self-sabotage, I saw Enise. I’d had been stuck the previous week and had emailed her, but she only phone me back last week. By then I had had the second slip, so she said I could go over and see her. In fact as my tutors were the ones to tell me I needed to let up on myself and take an extension, I didn’t need a medical note again. But Enise was useful for generally letting me know my various options for support over the summer when I will be away from uni and this town, and what to do about signing on to another GP practice, or rejoining my existing one as a normal person (students are another species or in a parallel universe it seems). I guess that puts my mind a bit at ease, though that has never been one of my worries (thankfully), I just figured things woud sort themselves out over the next few months.

Basically support options over the next few months boils down to a cCBT course (called livinglifetothefull.com I haven’t had a chance to look at it yet. Not really convinced by it. It all seems like too much ‘all good in theory, but in reality…’, which was how I found the guided self help I was initially offered by the IAPT service), and some more Books on Prescription. I pointed out that I’d looked at quite a few and hadn’t really ever identified with the case studies, so hadn’t found them very useful. She told me about a series called ‘Introducing…’ which as more like workbooks that just stories,  so  I would make them my own, rather than reading about other people (I sound so selfish…), but then that comes back to the same ‘all good in theory…’ again (I must be sounding so dismal). I might give them a try, and they’re not very expensive (£2.65, free shipping) though I can think of a lot of other things I’d rather spend my pennies on!

Enise did say she’d push to make sure I got as many more sessions as I could with Celine while I’m still in the university town. I’m happy for that as that is the one thing I have found useful, except that most of the sessions have been either just focusing on the deadlines I was pressed up against, or just skimming the surface of  deeper issues and helping ‘solve’ them on a theoretical level. The things I’ve come up with so far (such as the previous worksheets I’ve mentioned) have all been good and hunky dory, but have not really helped (at all) on my day to day moods, deadlines and slumps I keep having.

I saw Celine again last Thursday, session 8 by now. She was pleased with the stuff I’d come up on with on my last worksheet, of identifying the goods and bads of my ‘rule’ and how I could change it so it would be useful to me. The result of the session was a reworked ‘rule’, and homework to come up with a six month plan and a year’s plan and goals. On the one hand I know that as these sessions have to come to an end, more because of me moving away than having used up an ‘alloted’ amount of time, so it is good we’re looking twoars the future, I’m also scared that with still having so many little difficulties every day, that I’m running before I’m crawling by just focussing on the big stuff. I’m reminded of the saying, ‘look after your pennies, and the pounds will look after themselves’. If I could manage all the little things better, and not keep tripping up on them, then maybe everything would work out ok anyway. There is the danger there (which Celine has also said), that it will just keep going as I am like that, and always be about to trip, or spend my time avoiding trip ups, whereas really I need move on to a whole different plane to avoid those trip-ups altogether. But at the same time keeping on tripping up while just thinking loftily about bigger stuff isn’t helping me on a day to day level. I think I’ve just said the same thing about five different times. That’s how I feel about everything. Just the same things going round and round all the time. Saying things in different ways but nothing ever developing or changing.

I think I did start out with a point of this blog post in mind, but I can’t remember it anymore. I’ll think of it again. Anyway I guess this is just a summary of who I’ve seen, what they’ve recommended, and me just going round and round in circles with the same boring thoughts.

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