Today’s not been such a good day. Thinking loftily about my future a few days ago did make me feel a bit better. It made my current deadlines and tangles over work seem small in the bigger picture. But now it’s Tuesday and I’m brought back into the current moment. I’m so far behind with my work. I tried making a plan for my work for the final two weeks of uni, and I’m still working on last week’s stuff, and the due date is Friday. It’s not scarily close, like if it were tomorrow, but in a way that means I just have a longer drawn out race/crawl to the finish.

Due dates. Marginally better than ‘deadlines’. But all too much like giving birth (not really likening it to labour. I have no idea what that would be like). I’m ready for an epidural now please.

I’d hoped to have a tutorial today, just to make sure I didn’t have too many walls destined to fall down, but I wasn’t ready with my plans. I did try asking one of the tutors a fairly straightforward question during the morning: ‘given that I have three days left to get all my work complete, what is a reasonable amount to expect to be able to do, and what parts should I focus on that actually matter?’ I listed all the things I had on my list, with the hope of circling a few ones that he thought were important (I’ve lost/never had any gauge of what counts in their marking criteria). He just looked at me and said, ‘You look awful, are you ok?’

I just stood there and couldn’t think what to say. And promptly burst into tears.

From there starts the self-sabotage. (Well it started last night. I only ended up with 5 hours sleep as I was trying to get something ready for a tutorial today. In the end I just had to go to sleep. But now since I’ve been more regularly getting 7/8 hours sleep, I couldn’t do anything useful today. So my fault for lack of sleep). I feel like such an idiot getting worked up over my uni work. Something about the fact that I don’t *need* to do this piece of work to pass, yet obviously I *want* to, and if I want to do it, then I want to do it half decently. Otherwise I might as well have started my summer holiday weeks ago. I’m frustrated for being an idiot and getting worked up over it when it doesn’t matter. I know it doesn’t help anything to be frustrated, and just makes me waste more time being in tears. Except when I think about that, I just get even more irritated with myself and go round in circles.

Basically there is no way I can come close to completing my work for Friday, having wasted today being upset, and yesterday/past weeks for being so slow. I know that my deadlines are a bit flexible, but  really don’t want to have to change them as then I really will know I can’t cope with the work. I’m able to accept that I’m six weeks behind, as two of the weeks I was physically ill (from exhaustion), and another month basically zombified by mirtazapine. But I really wanted to show, to myself more than anyone, that I could do it in more or less the same time as an ordinary person.

I don’t know what to do. All I’m good at it seems is beating myself up.

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