Things have been going fairly smoothly for the last few days. Not easily, but like I’ve been balancing, and trying my hardest not to tip. Were things going along too easily? Or am I just so used to a few good days being followed by a slump that I’ve jinxed myself into feeling slumped? Could I have predicted it? Should I have? Did I predict it and fall into a self-fulfilling prophecy (SG’s favourite phrase)? Lots of sleep the past few days, followed by last night’s 4.5 hours. Which isn’t really a tiny amount, but a drop compared to the previous few nights’  9, 9, 11, 8.5hrs of sleep.

I did what I promised Celine and Enise I wouldn’t do: to keep myself up til 3am trying to finish a project. But I needed to. I had made a timetable with Enise last week, which was going to ensure I finished my essay on Tuesday in order to be able to get my next project completed for the end of May. So come yesterday evening, I hadn’t finished it, so stayed up til 3am to complete it, in order to avoid it running over my timetable and causing me panics over my next piece of work. Sensible, right? Today I managed to get that piece of work handed in, rushed, but done. 1 point to me? But now have had no energy to start the next piece of work, despite me forcing myself to try to work on it all of today. So I’ve given in a crap essay, wasted today, will be late starting my next piece of work and am so exhausted now I doubt I will feel any better about it tomorrow.

Hindsight’s a wonderful thing. I should have packed up yesterday evening and got a good night’s sleep last night. Finished the essay today, calmly and well. Get another good night’s sleep tonight and start work feeling fresh on my next project tomorrow. Instead I’m back to my old ways of late nights and pushing myself futher and further to exhaustion without the good work to show for it.

I don’t see my patterns of work changing soon. I doubt I’ll be able to put my work aside the next time I’m pushed late at night, and the vicious cycle will continue.

Or maybe tomorrow I’ll be fresh eyed, bushy tailed and raring to go, catching up on today’s missed work and fitting two days into one!

…the thought just exhausts me further and makes me feel even more miserable about myself and uni.

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