Right, so I didn’t get very far using this blog as a thought splurge. Instead I’ve been beating myself up and stewing (bad combination), with the result that possibly a stench of rotten flesh may be belching occasionally.

Ewwgg gross. No. Not quite. Unless it’s that mug, specimen A4.b2 that is floridly developing pinky greeny things in the corner of the studio.

I may or may not play catch up on this blog eventually.For the moment I just want to put down my thoughts for today. One day at a time any way.

Today I had an appointment with the university’s nurse shrink. She has a proper fancy title too, in fact one I prefer. For two reasons: I’m not sure she is actually nurse, or a shrink, to begin with. Secondly, ‘shrink’, given that it’s a shortening from ‘head-shrinker’, sounds like one must have a giant ego that needs taming. Given that my brain already feels like  raisin, I don’t think that’s what I need! But I’ll keep to nurse shrink, in fact, from here on in, as NS, because it’s 1) shorter, and 2) writing her title could easily link this  back to a google search. I’m trying to steer clear of that.

So, NS. I was having mixed feelings about the appointment. I guess nervous hopefullness. I’ve seen her a few times before, and I’ve also felt she’s been ‘on my side’, even sometimes too much (trying to help me see that I didn’t need to always compare myself to others on my course, that it was ok to get a little bit of extra time – practically forcing upon me a couple weeks’ med certificate for uni).

I have always approached my work by thinking, right I want to get x done today. And then I will stay till that is done. (If anyone accuses me of being perfectionist, really I’m not. Honestly, once I get x done, then I’m happy, and can call it a night.) The problem comes when I haven’t done x at a reasonable hour. Do I stay to try to get it done? Or go home and have to face it again in the morning? When I will really be hating it and myself. Sometimes I wonder if x simply wasn’t a reasonable amount to expect to complete in a day. Except of course it is. Everyone else can manage it. I’m sure I normally could manage it.

Alternatively, I could work by the clock, simply going home at 6pm, regardless of the state of my work.I did try that for a week or so, and it was useless. I found myself clock watching, waiting for it to be time to go home. That is totally not what I want to do. I want to be able to enjoy the work and feel achievement at the end of the day. In addition, that didn’t actually help me complete the work either!

The next version of work I tried, on the suggestion from CBT Lady (a whole ‘nother story), was to set myself the same x target for work, and a particular time to be finished by (10.30pm being most realistic). At first this seemed to be a good thing. I wouldn’t be ‘clock watching’, rather it would be more like racing the clock to be finished by a certain time, which might work well with my competitive streak. But that solution still hasn’t really been a solution. I seem to have lost my competitive streak (thanks to Enise[=NS=nurse shrink]’s kind words?), and it just meant there were so many holes in my work from where it wasn’t complete each day, that every time I opened the document, I couldn’t make sense of my tangled drivel, and burst into tears. Really not helpful.

My most recent mode of working, where I just work on the bits I enjoy, has helped a tiny bit. I think I will actually have something to hang in our End of Year Show tomorrow. However, although this is a nice way to work, and made me feel productive, I guess it can never be a long term solution, as unfortunately I can’t always just have my cake and eat it too (does that quote even go?).

Which leads me back on to my session today with Enise (=NS=nurse shrink). Except for the life of me can’t remember what she suggested. Something along the lines of just set myself a goal, this time ‘w’, which are just the things I need to do. Don’t even think about trying to do what I want to do, or what I would like to do (I’d better go back and check those catergories. 2 & 3 sound the same to me UPDATE: it’s just what I like to do.). At least getting done what I ‘need‘ to do will help ensure I get the minimum done, and if I have time then I can go back and do the other categories. But is that really what she recommended? That I shouldn’t do the ‘would like‘ things – the things that I enjoy? Now she’s starting to sound like my mother, that I’m just ‘frittering away’ my time on the things that make me happy, rather than doing the things that will stop me panicking later (they are two different things).

So where I started again, I had felt Enise was on my side through all this. But now she’s not. Now she seems to have forgotten her kind words that I shouldn’t trying to do something just because other people do, and feeling badly when I don’t. That I should just focus on what I can do, and keep healthy too. I feel like now she’s hounding me just to get the work done and not worry about it. Of course that is what I do want to do. Honestly! That is why I went to her in the first place! So I have successfully come full circle, and not achieved anything. Yay me!

And with that, I think I’d better get on with the needs, and this blog doesn’t make the list. Also, my printing for the end of year show is now complete, which is what I was waiting for while typing this, this afternoon.

List for self:

Check with Enise about what her suggestions really were. Not just what I remember. I think I remembered wrong. Or is that just me lacking confidence again?