So I have been fired from my CBT style guided self-help with SG (=Stress Guy with the NHS who comes to my uni once a week, as part of the IAPT scheme in my uni town). Well at least I’ve come to the end of my allotted sessions and, well, they haven’t exactly solved my issues! Even though I really have tried. I just don’t believe the alternative explanations that I try to come up with when writing the thought diaries. Even though I really would like to. I still think that maybe I wasn’t coming up with the right ‘rational’ thought. If I could have done that, I think I would have been more likely to believe them and changed my thinking. I do see the theory behind it all, and I think it could work, if only I knew how do it properly.

Anyway, SG summarised with saying: “You seem to have some very deep seated core beliefs that are not working for you.”

Duh…

I guess this is implying that simple CBT isn’t going to go deep enough to change them. Though in my first point, I think there is the potential that if I could challenge them effectively, then I could be happier.

Talk of ‘core beliefs’ seem to be very similar to what my home dr said about me (who, considering he delivered me as a baby as has been my dr ever since, knows my mental state better than anyone), that maybe me worrying is simply just my personality… Well I don’t like my personality in that case!

The other worrying thing is that if they are pinning my problems to my personality, rather than an illness, it is like them saying that probably there are no ‘treatments’ or ‘cures’, and that I’m not going to be able to ‘get better’. I feel like I might have a shred of empathy for someone diagnosed with a terminal illness. Something that will never improve. Now that really is a depressing thought!

There seems to be a catch 22. It would seem I just need to learn to cope better, and adapt to my personality. But ‘coping’ seems to consist of challenging negative ideas so that they would not affect my mood so much. But, if it is simply my personality to have those ideas, I’m not going to be able to see them as having an alternative rational explanation, as it is a trait rather than an illness. And that trait is making me ill.

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