One of the things Enise (uni mental health advisor) said to me in trying to convince me to reconsider antidepressents, and it’s something I’m coming round to agreeing with, is that there is not reason I should be unhappy. So I ought to change something to let me enjoy myself more and be happy. Perhaps, as I say it isn’t the uni work itself that is upsetting me (evidence against: everyone else can cope, I’m not normally dumb, I’m already doing as much as I can to keep up with it), and I’ve been doing my best with SG’s guided CBT, I need to look at something else to change, like chemicals. And that means a change in medication.

I made up the analogy to help me figure out what I feel like. As I’m studying landscape architecture, it seems apt to think about problems with vegetable crops (and yes I’m weird):

I feel like I’m a field of soil with a fungal problem: if the crop were being damaged by caterpillars, then you can see them and could go out and kill off the caterpillars. But if you have a fungal disease in the soil, the crop will die off even though there is nothing visibly wrong with it. And for a fungal disease, you can’t go out and manually pick it off, you have to go after it with horrible fungicidal chemicals. aka anti-depressants. Similarly, if you have a fungal disease in the soil, if you trashed the affected crop and replant the following year, you’d end up with just the same problem in the next crop as you haven’t dealt with the root of the problem. aka if I deferred the modules I am taking this year, I would still be just as stressed by them next year, unless I change how I am feeling now.

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