This morning I eventually went to a meeting with one of my module tutors and Enise (uni mental health advisor), at the uni med centre. I felt really ridiculous that I’ve let my stress over uni work reach that stage. But I know that I haven’t chosen for it to get that bad, and the meeting itself was probably useful. I walked to the med centre with the uni tutor, and it was a nice opportunity to chat a bit. He normally sees me around my work, when I am almost always stressed, so it was a chance to talk about something else for a bit. I really want to get across that I really hate the way I’m letting uni work get to me so much, and that fact is stressing myself equally as much as the work itself. Not sure I made my point as all I can think about at the moment is work stress!

I can’t remember what we actually talked about in Enise’s office. It’s all a bit of a blur. I know there were some tears, but I’m beyond feeling embarrassed about that now, in front of anyone. If I felt fine then we wouldn’t be in that awkward situation in Enise room!

I know at some point Enise asked me about me coming off the sertralines. I’d seen the dr earlier in the week and told him I didn’t want to be on them anymore, so he gave me advice on how to taper off them. I was half expecting him to protest, but I guess there isn’t anything he can say. Enise made it clear that she didn’t think it was a good idea, right now, but she couldn’t argue either that they were doing me any good! It was slightly awkward discussing that with my tutor in the room, though I think he found it more awkward than me! He definitely saw me taking my pills one morning, after I’d slept over night in the studio so was looking pretty rough, and he questioned if they were ProPlus pills. I gave him a good roll of the eyes and he shut up after that. If he didn’t know what they were then, I’m sure he made the connection  after Enise questioned me about the sertralines.

At the end my tutor asked if he could have ‘a private word’ with Enise. I was fine about that, though I haven’t a clue what he could have thought up that was so ‘private’, especially after the sorts of things Enise had been asking me in front of him. After he finished talking to her, Enise called me back in, mostly to make sure I was utterly clear that she thought it was the worst time for me to think of coming off sertraline, and that I must be crazy. Um yah… She also reported that my tutor had told her that he thought I could still be heading for an A/distinction overall, if only I’d believe in myself and have confidence. Either that comment was meant to be top secret and he told her that ‘in private’, or else she made that up anyway. He’s never told me that I could ever reach those grades, and that comment has only piled on the pressure. I thought that Enise at least knew me well enough by now to know that a comment like that isn’t going to boost my confidence at all, and only confirms that since I’ve lost confidence (it seems easier to work with that fact than to exhaust myself trying to fight it), I’m bound not to do well.

Sometime later this afternoon after I was back at university, Enise phoned me again, again reiterating that it was a bad idea to come off antidepressants (yah okay, I’m get the message!), but how about trying mirtazapine? I had to agree with her that my concerns were mainly specifically to do with the sertraline/Zoloft, rather than antidepressants in general. She said let my dr know I’d agreed to try it. Right. Okay, I guess I have done in that case? Hmm.

I’m going to research a bit about mirtazapine before I blindly swallow the pills.

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