I picked up two new books from the library that Enise had recommended for me: the Feeling Good Handbook and Self Esteem book. I’ve just looked at the first one, which is like a brick. It actually looks sort of interesting, and is written as if for pyschologists, so its fun seeing stuff from the other side (which I am sure is the point, a bit of reverse pyschology methinks…)

I haven’t looked at the second one yet. I’m not convinced it’s what I need: If I had low self-esteem, then surely I would care at all about my work and would be happy to not bother. What actually gets me is that I think I am good at LA and therefore want to make sure my work reflects that.

Then did a bit more uni work, slept for an hour. Not sure why, was just exhausted, as if I’d never woken up properly today, and also had a bit of a sore tummy. Maybe Bar & Wok, which would be really annoying though. Did a bit more work, then suddenly it was 10pm…typical, but this time I actually feel like I’ve done enough work to have a decent tutorial Tuesday. If only I could feel like this all the time (though preferably at 6pm on a Friday!)

I have been thinking more about the self help book scenarios. It seems that ones that do relate to students, tend to look at things from the point of failure. But for me, I feel like I do more or less know what to do, and don’t really think the quality of my work is going to fail. My worries are more to do with:

  • Worrying I won’t finish in time and have anything to physcially hand in,
  • I worry that I spend way too much time on my work
  • I work so inefficiently with not knowing what is expected or what is ‘normal’.
  • I think of all the things I’d rather be doing
  • All the things that I will wish I’d done*
  • Then annoyed and irritated with myself that I am doing work, rather than those things, and because I’m worrying and working inefficiently, they’re taking even longer than they should. And because I’m annoyed and irritated, then I’m slower and get more and more upset. And then when I’m upset I don’t eat or sleep so well, and as you can see, everything goings round and round in circles.
  • I KNOW I’m doing myself no favours. But what should I do??

* The main ‘fear’ I have is that I will be spending time working rather than doing things with friends and family:

  • Firstly, I really would like to do things with friends and family.
  • Secondly, that if something should happen to my family or friends, that I’ll regret that I didn’t spend the time with them. And yes that is a real possibility. Age of grandparents for one. I am so mad and sad with myself for not going to see my grandfather a second time while at home. Even if he wouldn’t have remembered that particular visit, I would have! And anyway, just because someone might not remember something, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t bother. That would really be the saddest! And you only have to type in ‘Geoffrey Burns’ or ‘Adam Goodwin’ to Google to know that not everything is peachy.