So today wasn’t a good day.
Having got up late (thought I would keep to an 8-6 schedule – reasonably human – ended up in the studio at 10 to 11. Did get a bit done in town, first time there for ages), I started off on the wrong foot.

We’re meant to be doing a presentation at the Forest of Dean. Ridiculously pointless as it is the presentation for last term, for the previous assignment. Aside from its pointlessness, I think the main thing that was getting to me was that after the presentation last term, and feedback from the report, I’ve totally lost any confidence that I did have in my work and conclusions. So then I have the dilemma that on the one hand I could use that last presentation, with its problems, but I couldn’t physically bring myself to do that. Or spend more time going back though it, trying to improve it (which is what we’re expected to do), which is painful especially realising all the problems that I’d rather skimmed over before. Which I’m glad I did at the time, otherwise I’d have been a total wreck!

Anyway, I had to spend the rest of the day fixing up my presentation which was painful and, after the first few minutes which were useful refreshing my mind on how much work I did last term (nice surprise!), I couldn’t help feeling it was a waste of time and that I reall don’t want to be doing the presentation tomorrow, or working on it today. So one way or another, felt my blood bubbling and simmering all afternoon.
Setraline news

Friends are starting to gather my issues. Sort of letting things slip on purpose. As much as I hate myself for having to take the anti-depressants, I’d rather people know so that I don’t need to be so secretive about them or pretend I’m fine. Although maybe that’s a good idea as perhaps I was half believing my optimism too? But somehow it would be so strange to say that I’m on Zoloft, and actually I’ve been on them the entire time! I think it would even take me aback if someone announced they were taking anti depressants?

Tomorrow I’ve finally got an appointment with Enise (=uni/NHS Nurse Shrink) again. Don’t really know what to talk to her about. I guess about my thoughts on all my different medication options. I think she’s the best one to talk to about the medical vs uni work causes of my feelings. She’s the only person half connected to both, even if she knows me least well.

My thoughts on the sertraline and uni work are:

  1. Currently on 150mg a day. Really don’t want to be having to take that much. Partly I guess I don’t want to think/believe that I need to be on that much. Would rather be happy for being happy, not for being on happy pills. Partly because it seems to be a never ending trail. Don’t really know yet if they’re still helping very much. With work taking a breather for a few weeks, I’ve possibly had a false sense of security (SG suggested that, at first didn’t believe/want to believe it. But realise its probably true).
  2. Up my dose of sertraline, to 200mg, the max recommended dose by a GP. If sertraline is still going to help me, then this would give it its best shot. But as above, I’d much prefer not to be on them at any dose.
  3. Could come off the sertraline altogether. If they’re not helping me, then there’s no point being on them at all. But my Home Dr was ‘nervous’ at that idea of coming off them altogether. How is that meant to make me feel???!!! With final projects coming up, it’s probably not the best time, but then I’ll be sailing, so that’s probably not a good time wither as I’d be away from doctors during that time. Then I’ll be into applying and (hopefully) starting a new job, in a new house and potentially even a different place…if I could survive that off anti-depressants, then I’d have real confidence! But maybe not very sensible either…
  4. Also worried that if I go up to the maximum dose for sertraline, then if I do ever feel I need to up them, I can’t. So aswell as feeling bad, I’d have to cope with trying out a new drug. Of course maybe that would never happen! Or of course changing to a different drug would make all the difference. But would probably be better to try something else out before I was desperate.
  5. work-wise see my options from a few days ago.
  6. Now more worried about work as I had thought over Christmas I was just worrying over the time it took for me to do the work, now I need to worry about the quality of it too!

So having thought about all this stuff, I’d really like to know if it is my work that is making me feel how I do (worried, exhausted, not concentrating, feeling irritated, easily upset, teary), or if those feelings are making my work difficult.

On the one hand, I don’t think that I am innately a negative, pessamistic, depressed person, as I never had those feelings til I started being teased about my ears, and then I was perfectly happy again during my gap year, when potential stresses were probably highest, and even in my first year at UCL, everything was great. While on sertraline in my 3rd year, things were fun too. But recently (2nd year, last year and this year) definitely my feelings have been strongly connected to my uni work, if subtly different reasons.

Where does this leave me?